When the days are cold
by bekki1909
Summary: Phan (Danisnotonfire/Amazingphil) and a bit kickthestickz (kickthepj/crabstickz)- High School AU also oriented on the song Demons- Imagine Dragons: Dan is a depressed teenager and he feels alone most of the time, until he meets Phil. TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, depression
1. Chapter 1

**yes hello, so this is the first chapter of my phanfic, enjoy! ****(i do not own**** any character blah blah, also, english isn't my first language so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes****(****・。・****) **

_peep peep peep_

Damn it. Not again. At least not now. Couldn't it let me sleep for at least a little longer? I roll over to hit my phone with all my power, which is, because it's so early in the morning, not that much. But it works, because the peeping stops immediately. It's just that the problem doesn't go away with that. If the ringing of my phone in the morning was my biggest problem, my life would be so simple. But unfortunately, my alarm clock is just the not-that-friendly reminder of the probably horrible day that was about to start.

"Dan? Are you awake? Come on, hurry, you'll be late!" I hear my mum shout from downstairs.

I mutter a few more complaints before I crawl out of my nicely warm bed. I'm probably going to wish I would be there all day. But instead, something different and much worse is waiting for me. School. Yep, the hell on earth for every student. Well at least I couldn't imagine that somebody would be really happy to go there. If my mum could hear his thoughts now, she would probably start talking about poor children in Africa who would be glad if they had the possibility to go to school and study and blah blah I don't want to hear it anymore. No matter who tells me what about the importance of school- I'm still going to hate going there.

I open my closet and pull out one of my favourite t-shirts- black with the logo of 'My Chemical Romance'- before catch a look at my arms and remember why I don't wear t-shirts anymore. I sigh and pull out one of my grey sweaters instead, though it's for once pretty warm outside. This day just gets better and better.

I decide to skip breakfast, because I don't want to be late again and embarrass myself in front of the class. After quickly straightening my hair and brushing my teeth, I grab my bag and am out of the door. My house isn't that far away from my school, but because most of the time I'm too lazy or too late, I mostly take the bus. While I'm waiting at the bus stop, which isn't far away from my home either, I only have to cross the street and walk about 50 meters, I try to remember if I made my homework for English, since my teacher likes to control them, but I hardly ever do my homework, so it's hopeless.

"Hey idiot" I hear a voice behind me say and I recognise it immediately. A grin appears on my face as I turn around to face Chris. He has been one of my best friends since kindergarten and nothing changed since then. Well no, I mean a lot changed since kindergarten, but not the strength of our friendship and the bond between us.

"Hey you twat", I response, while jokingly punching his arm.

"Ow!" He exclaims and exaggeratedly rubs his arm with a dubious hurt facial expression. We both burst out laughing and get onto the bus which stopped by in the meantime. I walk through the aisle and sit down on one of the free seats and slide through so I sit at the window and wait until Chris drops down next to me.

"Hey guys, how are you?" PJ's head pops up from the seat in front of us. PJ and I met in elementary school and quickly became friends. Not much later, I introduced him to Chris and the chemistry between them was obvious from the first moment. Well at least to everyone else- I don't know if they realize how much they actually fit together. Though Chis often makes jokes, I think deep down he is actually really shy and doesn't want to risk something, And PJ, well I think he wants Chris to make the first move, to lead the way in their relationship. Gosh, they are both so fearful; sometimes I just want to put them into a room together and don't let them out until they talked it out. But I don't want to intrude in their relationship, so I just throw a knowing smirk at them once in a while. Not that they notice, Chris and PJ are too busy staring and grinning stupidly at each other.

"Oh, um hi PJ. I'm good." Chris stutters, suddenly blushing slightly while PJ smiles cheerfully at him. I nod to him as greeting when he shortly turns his look away from Chris and to me. He nods back, smiling slightly, before facing Chis again. I sigh and lean back in my seat staring out of the window, not thinking they are going to talk with me anymore during this bus ride. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy for them and I really hope one day one of them will overcome his fears and they can be openly to each other, and I'm not angry that they mostly ignore me when we are together, because they are too busy with each other. It's just… I just want to have something like them. I want to have this chemistry between me and another person. I want someone to love and to love me. I feel how my eyes start filling with tears and the scars on my wrists start to burn through the fabric of my sweater. I feel alone.

**Ok, so that was the first chapter - I hope you enjoyed it! **** I really think I'm going to continue this one, bc it was really fun to write ****^.^**


	2. Chapter 2

**I am back with another chapter yay **

After the bus stops in front of the school building, we push ourselves along with the other students out of the bus and slowly make our way into the building.

"Dan, are you alright? You didn't say much this morning. Is everything okay?" Chris managed to tear this gaze away from PJ and looks at me inquiringly. I smile at him. No, nothing is okay. I am not alright. Can't you see? How can he look into his eyes and not see the demons inside him, the demons that grow and grow every day and don't go away?

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired." I reply, on one side hoping he would finally be able to see the slowly spreading darkness inside me, the reason for the amount of scars on my arms. But on the other hand I don't want him to know. He would be worried and scared, afraid of the monster his best friend became. Maybe he would want to stop being friends and abandon me. Or worse, he could tell somebody and I would end up in a mental hospital or something. No, I have to act like everything is alright. I just wish I'd have someone to talk.

"Oh, okay. Well it's Monday morning after all, who wouldn't be tired, am I right?"

I fake a laugh, hoping it would satisfy Chris.

"So, what period do you have now? I think I have music that means I can go sleep again." Chris giggles.

"You're lucky. I have maths now, ugh. Well at least I have PJ to accompany me." I throw a knowing grin at him and Chris blushes and turns his gaze to the floor. He is so utterly in love with PJ it's not normal anymore. I turn around to look for PJ while Chris waves me goodbye and turns left to the corridor where the music class rooms are.

"You alright, mate?" PJ asks and together we begin to walk to the room we would have the next lesson in.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I response, not wanting to talk about myself. "We didn't have any homework, right?" I try to change the subject, though I already know the answer- it's just that yesterday I was a bit busy with hanging around in my room and thinking instead of finishing my homework (more like start doing my homework). But who cares about school anyway when you can start questioning the universe and the reason you exist?

"Um well, actually we did, don't you remember the papers Mrs Martins gave to us last week? The ones we had to finish until today?" PJ looks at me judgemental. Sometimes it's annoying to have a straight-A-student as friend who doesn't understand how you can't give a shit about grades. I attempt to make a worried face but I don't think PJ buys it. He throws a concerned look at me like he's trying to find out what's wrong with me but I quickly put my wall back up and try to look neutral and emotionless. I turn my head away and my eyes meet the floor in front of me while we keep on walking.

"Are you sure you're alright? You seem a bit… not yourself lately." He pushes further.

"W- what do you mean?" I silently curse in my head that I'm such a bad actor.

"I don't know, it's just that you've been acting a bit weird in the last weeks and Chris and I have been wondering what-"

But it seems like I'm not going to find out what they've been wondering about, because in that moment I abruptly smash into something and the next thing I know is that I'm lying on the ground. I groan and reach my hand out to hold my hurting head. What was that? I try to sit up again when I realize that there is something moving underneath me. I quickly open my eyes to find out what happened when I suddenly look into a pair of piercing blue eyes staring at me. I gasp and flinch together out of shock, but then take a closer look at the person I was apparently lying on. The blue eyes belong to a boy with dark, almost pitch black hair who looks about my age. His hair style is similar to mine- straightened hair and fringe- except it is the other way around. The rest of his face isn't really bad looking too, he is rather hot actually. As I realize what I just thought I quickly try to banish that thought out of my head- no he isn't hot, nice looking maybe, for a boy. But I'm not interested in boys and how they look. I'm straight.

An uncomfortable cough is interrupting me from my thoughts. I unwillingly tear my gaze away from the blue eyed boy to look up to the person where the noise came from. My eyes meet PJ who is awkwardly standing beside us like he's not quite sure what to do. When he notices that I look at him though he sighs in relieve.

"Um, Dan, are you okay?" He asks concerned. Gosh why does he always have to worry so much? How often did he already ask me this question today? I hope that Chris can help him to relax more, I should talk to him about it.

"Yeah, I guess, it's just… my head hurts a bit but that's it."

"Oh well, um, because you've been laying there for a while and you still didn't get up…"

I look back at the boy underneath me who looks a bit frightened and all of a sudden it hits me. I am lying on a strange boy- who I apparently knocked over a few minutes ago- in the middle of the hallway and I still didn't get up yet.

"Oh my god", I mutter startled before I jump up and back away from the boy. He slowly gets up, a slightly bewildered expression on his face. Despite my state of shock, awkwardness and a bit of anxiety how the blue eyed boy is going to react (what if the thinks I'm gay and I didn't stand up because I am attracted to him and he's going to tell everyone? Not that this isn't exactly the tru- no, it's not the truth. I am not gay.), I still can't stop my eyes roam over the boy's body as he finally stands. He has a good build body, muscular, but rather slim. He's about my height, but I think I might be a bit taller. He's wearing a green jumper, black skinny yeans and black converses. As I look up again, I notice that the boy with the wonderful blue eyes is staring at me, and I also notice that he's probably aware of my stare. I blush and quickly look away, but from the corner of my eyes it seems like a quick smirk flushed over his face. When I face him again, he looks normal though.

"Dan."

I turn around to see how PJs gaze switches confused between me and the stranger.

"What?" I ask, surprised by how unstable my voice sounds.

"We… what about maths? The lesson already started."

I look around to see that the corridor was in fact empty. It was only me, PJ and the boy. I really have to find out the name of that boy, because I seriously can't continue to call him 'the boy'.

"Um…" I reply, because I'm really not in the mood for school- especially maths- right now. "I don't feel very well, I think I'm going back home and do something about my head."

PJ doesn't say something for a few moments, probably considering what to do now.

"Okay. Do you think you can make it alone or should I bring you home?" PJ answers finally.

"Oh no, it's okay, I think I can do it by myself. You go and enjoy your maths." I try to grin but I think it looks more like a grimace.

"Kay, bye then. Get well soon!" He responds over his shoulder while he's already on his way to the class room.

I turn around and am surprised to see that the boy with the black hair is still standing there.

"Oh, um, I-I'm sorry about the knocking over earlier. I wasn't paying attention." I look at the ground where I laid a few minutes ago, not wanting to look into these blue eyes because I might get too distracted by their deepness.

"Nah, it's fine. It's not like something happened to me. But is your head okay?" The stranger asks, he almost sounds concerned.

"Y-yeah it's okay I guess. Nothing bad I think." I curse myself in my head. Damn it, why couldn't I stop stuttering like an idiot?"

"My name is Phil by the way. Phil Lester."

Phil. The name of the boy with the beautiful eyes is Phil. Not that I care of course. He is just a random guy who happens to be nice and who happens to own nice eyes. Nothing more. I'm probably going to forget about him tomorrow. But something says me that this is probably not going to happen.

"Dan. My name is Dan Howell." I reply as I look into these eyes again. There's something about them that I can't place right. Something just wrong, but right, but I can't see what it is. It's just a feeling.

**Hope you enjoyed it yo ^.^ **


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